A brief summary told of what would occur in the coming days. Was it longing or just pure curiosity that gravitated me there? Solely time would tell. Wandering into the structure, the lights were dimmed and soothing music could be heard leaving the speakers at the front of the room. Perspiration was dripping from my hands. Fear of what would happen next filled the air like a morning fog. My stomach turned inside out at the unknown. A familiar voice spoke my name and my shoulders relaxed immediately. I unexpectedly felt more comfortable. I came to the realization that I was in this place because I wanted to be there and nothing would keep me from experiencing what I had come for. The next few days would answer questions I thought I did not have the answers for. Little did I know at the time that the answers laid within me.
After two people had entered the room relaxation came over me. Suddenly the fear in them created a sense of comfort. Across from me they slouched - mysteriously imagining what would take place next. It was time to begin. Walking to the front of the room we dragged a collection of chairs that once were placed perfectly around four tables. In the center of the room we gathered each chair to create a circle. The leader’s voice spoke softly asking us to position ourselves with an open posture, hands placed lightly on our knees and legs not crossed. His soothing voice spoke again explaining further what would engage us in the days to come together. My comprehension slowly slipped away - no longer a garment keeping me reserved.
“Who wants to go first?” The sound of his voice amplified the room- walls rumbling in the silence. Glued to the chair beneath me, I sat motionless. Fear had overcome me; the slightest movement would jerk me from the comfort of my seat to the front of the room. I was not prepared. A gasp of air escaped my lips as a girl stood up and headed to the front of the room. The entire conversation she held with him was a mere a blur. Time had passed so quickly and it was suddenly my turn to go to the front of the room.
Standing before them my hands slouched to my sides reaching near my hips - slowly wrapping around my back. This stance hid my sweaty palms, but I could not hide myself. He began by asking the first question. The question has faded, lost in my memory, but the answers flooded out of me. Word after word, name after name, and fear after fear. Every feeling that held me silent slipped away as my hands reached in front of me. No longer was I hiding I was telling my story to ears that waited to hear each syllable leave my lips.
I was speaking about events that occurred when I was too young to understand their meaning. A person I was supposed to trust had taken advantage of me. His words spoke of power and strength that my pure mind knew nothing about. Paralyzed beyond my control I had forced all the feelings deep in the recesses that lay beneath my soul-lost for no one to find. With each new person introduced to me, I remained distant, unable to tell my story. Allowing them to take advantage of me all I wanted was to please them, to see joy in their eyes at what I had done. Me, not anyone else, me. I longed for someone to desire my assistance in completing them. I longed for this because I myself desired the same.
Why had I allowed them to drive me down a path that made me feel incomplete without their approval? The answer arrived at my feet. A gift left on the doorstep leading me to a life worth living. Voices that once shouted instructions as if they were a lifeline, slowly fell from the depths of my soul, no longer trapped inside me. With each cold teardrop hugging my cheeks, fearful to fall, came the confidence I had lacked for so long in my short life.
Suddenly I knew that the only focus in my life should be pleasing me. Why do we spend most of our lives living under the assumption that since our parents gave us life that we must repay them in some way? Or that since a person helped us in a time of need that we owe them our life? Life is a gift. The only thing we can do it be thankful and cherish it. If we spend our lives aching to be something that we are not then what life are we living? The answer escaped from the depths of me. All of these thoughts were foreign; they must have come from a different source. This is where I was mistaken. One question spoken from a former stranger had unexpectedly given me the chance to say how I felt without pushing on me his own thoughts. I was free.
We can choose the people we have in our lives. We choose who we work for, who we want to be friends with, who spend the rest of our lives with. We do not pick however whose family we enter into. That is a gift we are given without our choosing. In this room full of people who had grown in a short while to know me, every little detail I kept inside escaped like a strong gust of wind. I realized that family will always be family but the definition can change in the blink of an eye.
From a young age I was taught that my mother brought me into this world she could take me out faster than I could say birth. I lived by this motto, tricking myself into believing that I had to delight her, make her proud. Continuously, time and time again I was inadequate. It was in this structure with my new friends that I finally felt worthwhile. Why did my own mother not make me feel this way? It is often in the face across from you, staring deeply into your eyes, whispering that you are selfish, apprehensive, and living wrong, that is finding these faults in themselves.
I finished the sessions in the days to follow, however no other subject we spoke of reached me so deeply. Until recently I was not living my life. I was lost in a sea of faces keeping my true self hidden. My life is full of joy now. I do not select to keep people in my life that treat me disrespectfully, why should I keep them just because they are family? I choose who I define as family. The answer was not lost within me anymore. Free to be true to myself I left those same doors that had once appeared so terrifying opened in front of me. My eyes burned at the light which shown and I knew that I was no longer in the dark.
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